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my trip in austin last week resulted in me being a soupy mess of allergies for a couple of days.  when i returned, my head pressure and nasal issues got resolved, but my throat is still all messed up and i have not had a voice for three days.  well… i have a residual voice… but it’s mainly a whisper with cracks and other interesting sounds in between.  every voice mail i have left has made its recipient confused and it takes a great deal of effort to communicate.  i really hope that i’ll wake up feeling better tomorrow.

the weekend has been pretty relaxed so far… mainly because i haven’t felt up to doing anything too involved.  i met a long time friend and her little girl for lunch.  the rest of the day was spent editing photos for a recent engagement shoot.  i’m hoping to make it over to my parents’ house tomorrow since i rarely am seen over that way these days.  it’s just been incredibly busy lately.

i had a personal lesson about control (or the lack thereof) last night.  i found out about a situation that sent me over the edge.  at the time, i really thought i had all the facts and knew exactly what went down and what motive the individual involved had.  it was an action that hurt me deeply and i lost it.  i said horrible things and reacted in anger.  i’ve only gone to this extreme point of blind action one other time in my life… and the two scenarios were remarkably similar.  it’s when we feel the most vulnerable that we become unreasonable.  my defense mechanism in times where i feel betrayed or hurt is to cut and run… to throw my hands up in the air and be done with the obstacle or person at hand.  i guess my brain thinks that if i cut the problem off, it means i am then invincible to it.  but that’s not the case.  usually when i’m upset, i can retain a portion of myself external to the problem… whether if it’s just part of me observing or keeping my words in check.  but there was no remnant of that the other evening.  i was embarrassed that i had shown that awful part of myself and am disappointed that so much anger can come from me.  i’m pretty calm and rational in my daily dealings/conflicts… but there are probably a couple of issues (that all go back to the main root) that i still need to work on.  as one might predict, i did not have all the details surrounding the circumstances available to me at the time i responded so poorly.  i am fortunate that the person involved in my horrible display of upset fully understood why i felt the way i did based on the knowledge i had to go on (not that it justifies my actions).  i’m thankful for forgiveness… that i receive it so readily even when i don’t feel like deserve it.

on a lighter note… my trip to austin wasn’t all a horrible allergy experience.  i had a great time with my coworkers and we ate out at tasty places every day.  i even was able to fit in a trip to amy’s ice cream… it was great.  the area we frequented was prime for people watching – such a great (and sometimes entertaining) blend of different backgrounds.  i had intended on taking my camera out on the streets, but i never got to that point.  as usual, the hotel was great.

i hope i’ll be able to speak tomorrow and also hope i’ll be able to breathe in deeply without coughing.  g’night.